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Random Thoughts

Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day, I forgive myself for yesterday…

So I talk a lot, I talk fast, sometimes my mouth can’t keep up with my brain and I jump to a third sentence when the first two are still in my head. Sometimes I catch myself when I am about to tangent and I announce to my husband that I am “jumping” meaning I am about to wildly change topics.

I have had mood disorders since I was a kid, not really diagnosed until I was forty-five when I first heard the term racing thoughts. Basically, my brain can go into overdrive, thoughts pinging and careening, I now imagine my brain like a pinball machine. It does not mean I am more intelligent, mostly it makes me tired, and sometimes very loud when I am happy or excited.

I have bipolar disorder a term I hate, so many variations in symptoms. Most of the time I am not manic or depressed. I can have heightened anxiety, heightened empathy causing anxiety or panic from things I have read or seen that don’t relate to me directly, looping thoughts I can’t stop, but I am not running around in a garbage bag punching people like Bradley Cooper in Silver Linings Playbook (good movie, good book) or a spy? Never seen Homeland.

I recently read that polar bears are from the north pole and penguins from the south pole (and some temperate zones) so unless they are in a zoo would never meet in the wild. (This is probably something I should have known but I saw it on a poster in a children’s room in the library and had an aha moment for a blog) Most of the time I am neither up (polar bear) or down (penguin) I shoot for the equator.

I take some anxiety meds and a mood stabilizer. I am also pre-menopausal now, main symptoms–you guessed it mood swings, just like bipolar symptoms. Really? Cosmic joke? Am I bipolaring or hormoning right now? Does it matter? Probably not, I overthink it.

I am going to write about my thoughts, musings, and life with mood disorders. I look at most of these thoughts and feelings with humor which is a coping mechanism for me although mental health issues are no joke.

I have a good life, loving husband, two dogs, a job I love, librarian. No complaints but getting my zooming thoughts down somewhere would be therapeutic. Good for me maybe of some interest to others. So here we go off to the racing thoughts.

 

Best D–

 

All or Nothing

Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day I forgive myself for yesterday…

Clean my office. Seems like a simple declarative statement, but what does it mean to me?

Empty out the entire closet and dump everything on the floor. Make piles of papers. Get frustrated and decide to throw out every souvenir, every saved card but I have to go through them first.

Start going through the cards, look at the piles, make more piles. What about “extra clothes?” Next thing I know I am in the bedroom sorting through clothes and shoes, the papers and photos forgotten.

I make such a mess I run out of time get overwhelmed and invariably stuff everything back into their original hidey holes. Nothing gets accomplished, maybe some paper gets tossed and I feel guilty because shouldn’t I recycle?

So, what the hell did I just do? The office really needs to be decluttered not cleaned. It needs to be attacked corner by corner and finished. It needs to be done OVER TIME. Not finished all at once or in a few hours but I always think I can do that because cleaning my office is a boring chore.

Spiraling

Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day I forgive myself for yesterday…

So we have stinkbugs in our house, they are harmless, have a prehistoric hardiness and their claim to fame is an odor when you squish them their only apparent defense. We have been in the house for eight years and in the winter they come out and we see them sometimes in the same spot for days.

I kill them, particularly if I see several in a short time span. This year there have been more. Four in my office, a few in the bedroom, the bathroom, downstairs. When we first researched what these ugly things are it did say they like to nest in warm spaces like attics. This is the main fact I retained about them. I am not afraid of them but I did not like the idea of a “nest” The number of critters made we wonder if we had a nest so I decided my husband should get on a ladder and look in the attic.

With this project I had an image which I know to be unrealistic but a full blown image of him poking his head in the attic and turning with a head covered in stink bugs. Covered, I can’t even see his face or hair. I also had snippets of him falling off the ladder due to said “covering.”

This is a combo pack of automatic thoughts and a spiral. I go from hey we have a few more stinkbugs than usual to my husband on the floor with perhaps an injury with a face full of stinkbugs.

The spirals usually form like this; small to large, basic to disastrous. I use a flatiron now to straighten my hair. I left it in the guest bath on top of a wooden end table. It was off and unplugged when I left, I am incapable of forgetting that; but it was cooling down.

When we were on the way home from an errand I had an image of our house in flames. I knew with most of my brain that this was a unlikely scenario, but as we got close to home I had a visceral reaction of butterflies until I saw our house was ok. I leave the iron on top of the toilet with the lid closed now.

Death

Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day I forgive myself for yesterday…

Death was always there in the back of my mind, from my earliest memories. Hovering, if I had had images of the grim reaper or was aware of death personified “A Christmas Carol” that would have been the image. As a child I felt it.

My grandmother died when my dad was nineteen. I always had three grandparents instead of four. A wobbly stool instead of a table. My father missed his mother terribly and her death damaged him, when I was a child he told me lots and lots of stories about her desperate to keep her memory alive, and she was as real to me as any character in a storybook.

I listened attentively though and I became aware of death at four years old and very afraid. I was convinced it would take my father when I was nineteen because I loved him so much and I could not imagine anything more horrible. He did die young 69 and I was 39. I got twenty more years than he did.

Also there was the spectre of the Holocaust. I am half Hungarian on my dad’s side and much of the family died in concentration camps including my great-grandparents. I grew up with people who had experienced trauma on an unimaginable scale. Losing wives, and children, surviving camps, picking up and forming new lives. The good thing is all these relatives were wonderful people who worked hard, had senses of humor, and fierce love.

The war was never spoken of. My uncle interviewed the relatives

 

 

Soothing

Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day, I forgive myself for yesterday…

Blankets

Coffee

Cookies

Belly rubs

Petting my dog

Listening to podcasts

Listening to audiobooks

Therapy

Quiet time

Bed

Libraries

Smell of Musty Books

Candles

Pajamas

Taking your bra off as soon as you get home

Fuzzy Socks

Slippers that go over your ankles

Slow, deep breaths

Margaritas

Massage

Eye Mask

 

The Great Thanksgiving “Meltdown” 2019

Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day I forgive myself for yesterday…

Ate junk food at work business as usual, the cookies would be ok if I put anything healthy into my body.

Need to work on being calm and soothing anxiety, when I am calm I am more productive. Simple right?

Cut up apples, make peanut butter sandwiches, berries, cheerios, fig bars, water water water. Not a huge time suck. More showers, more makeup.

How to work in exercise–walk dvd? Wii dance? Take a class? Use a trainer? Thought that got on computer and contacted a personal trainer on the spot at work because I get distracted. Why won’t they give you freaking prices? How hard is it–100, 125, 150 and hour?

So Thanksgiving was great until my epic meltdown. Drank and drank and I was relaxed and in a good mood, but it made me too full and the kids, and cranks, and Bailey being gone and Bernie in the crate I couldn’t wait. I got undressed and let Bernie out, could not wait five more minutes, I got angry. Very angry, then the regret was consuming.

I melted like a stick of butter into the mashed potatoes or the turkey stock.  Emotions bubbled up and I could not control myself. I don’t like losing control in front of other people I feel like I broke a sacred entertaining code and it was only 8 o’clock.

Sam was not really angry just disbelieving. He did not understand what I did, five minutes, even I can’t believe I missed it by five minutes.

So the good stuff–table looked great, food was great, den was comfortable, everyone got along. Sam works so hard. I love having it in the house, my first Thanksgivings. Who wants to cook all day?

Kids are sweet, growing up, very smart, handsome. I really am crap with kids though and Aunt Liz is clueless, she talks to Sean like he will understand what she wants. I lose patience. Sean is an attention grabber. Tucker can’t believe his life. I notice this a lot with parents, they are overwhelmed. Not unhappy just overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed that would put me over.

I really do wonder how I would have been with my own kids, or kid more likely. It is one of those things you can’t speculate or imagine. I just tell myself I would have done it my way and it would have been ok. I don’t see spoiling them, but controlling is hard. I spoil Bernie, no dogs and people are not the same, but the feeling is the same.

 

 

Bailey

Not a doctor just my stories…

Today is a new day, I forgive myself for yesterday…

Bailey died today

My baby died

His smile died

His jiggly leg died

Part of me died

Seeing Sam broke me

The shock broke me

I want my dog back

He was five

It is not fair

What was wrong with him that we will never know

Was it just one of those things?

One of those things sucks

I am angry

I grieve